Rock Salt And Feathers ~ Lost Grace

A Savior's Rhapsody By Kitty Alex
Home ~ Lost Grace

Rating: PG-13 Disclaimer: I own nothing. I wish I did, but I don't. Summary: When God created the angels, he took them each aside. He gave them a purpose, a place. He told them where they would be in the order of things. Spoilers: Season 4 Episode 22 Warning: Angst, one-sided Lucifer/Michael Notes: I want to thank Mys for betaing. This was written for spn_teamfic.
When God created the angels, he took them each aside. He gave them a purpose, a place. He told them where they would be in the order of things. God took Lucifer aside and told him that he would always be his favorite, no matter what he did. Even if God had to be stern, he would always love him and would welcome him back whenever he was ready to repent. Lucifer was confused, but went about his way. God took Michael aside and told him about how he would face many difficult challenges, that he would be the most known of all the angels because of the great deeds he would do. He reminded Michael that whatever happened, he must always protect his brothers and sisters for they would look up to him in their time of need. He would have to do what was needed to keep the others safe, even if that meant sacrificing himself. Michael said he understood and went about his way. When God took Castiel aside, it was different. Castiel was a lower angel and therefore not permitted to gaze upon His face. Yet, Castiel looked on, head held high, awaiting the wisdom that God had to impart on him. "I do not know what to say to you," God admitted. "Your purpose is to serve Michael." "Then I shall serve Michael," Castiel said turning to leave. "But not yet." "Not yet? Then what is my purpose now?" "That is why this is difficult. You have no purpose as of now. Only when you are older, will you have one." "When I am older," Castiel repeated, the words feeling foreign on his tongue. "I do not understand." "You will when you get to where you need to be. For now, follow orders and keep in line with the others. You have been given a gift, Castiel. One not all angels have received. You are special. You are a savior. Do not forget this, even when the other angels say differently, remember that one truth." "But I am not. I am below most angels." "And that is where your strength will come. They will not think much of you and you will be able to flourish without them noticing until it is too late." "I understand," Castiel lied. Castiel went about his way, having doubts about what God had told him, feeling that He had somehow meant to impart the wisdom on a different Castiel. "I will tear Heaven apart looking for you!" Lucifer screamed as Michael defeated him. "When I rise again and make my way into Heaven, I shall make sure that I tear apart any angel that stands in between you and I. I swear to it, Michael." Then Lucifer was sealed and God was silent. Michael beseeched God to tell him what to do and how to stop Lucifer from rising again. But God held no answer. He only appeared to the humans, but only to lash out or command, never to comfort. Michael knew God had known that Lucifer would turn against him. God knew his creations and how they would turn out, but this did not stop their creator from feeling pain. Michael helped the humans like God had created the angels to do even though the distain his brothers and sisters held for them grew every day. He listened to the spiteful names that they had for the humans God had created. He watched as they grumbled and growled about the attention he was giving them. Michael felt them glare when he knelt before humanity, honoring their Father's wishes. Long ago, his Father had told him that he must protect his brothers and sisters. They needed to be protected; they had become vain in God's time away from them. He knew that it was a sin, but God told him to do what he must and this was a must so he could set an example for his siblings. He would show them what humanity was. So Michael reached deep within and pulled out his Grace. The others went about their business, ignoring Michael's foolishness. Some angels were amazed though and gave thought to Michael's decision. Michael, their commander, had chosen to be among the Fallen and it baffled them. To some, it made them watch the humans more closely. They wondered and wished to know what made them so special. One angel, Castiel, was bereaved though. His doubts grew because God had told him that he would one day serve Michael, but now that Michael was among the Fallen there was no way Castiel would be able to serve him. Castiel only served Heaven. Mary never thought she could get excited over one simple phrase, but when the doctor had told her "Congratulations! You're pregnant!" Mary had been beside herself with joy. After five years of trying, she had thought she would never have a baby. She figured she had been scarred, received one too many blows to the stomach from the evil things she had fought with her parents to be able to have one. Mary knew this was a miracle. Before she had been trying to have a baby, Mary didn't believe in God. Her life was too messed up for her to even consider there was a higher being out there. She had seen too much evil and felt too much heartache. But then after the fourth year, she had gotten desperate. Mary began going to church every Sunday, praying to all things holy to prove her wrong just this once and let her have a baby. She was just about to give up when something slammed into her with such a massive force that it knocked her off her pew and had her shouting out prayers in Latin. And when Mary pressed her hand against her stomach, she felt the good and warmth inside her. She knew the angels had gifted her with a child. "John!" Mary screamed running into the garage where he worked. "I just saw the doctor. The angels have gifted us with a baby! They gave us a baby, John!" "Are you serious?" John asked hurriedly getting out from the car he was under to greet her. "We're going to be parents?" "Yes! I was praying in church and then it hit me." Literally, she added mentally. "I was pregnant. I went to the doctor and he confirmed it." John embraced her and Mary didn't mind at all that he was getting her full of grease. They were having a baby. John pulled away from her and put a hand on her stomach. "What do you think it's going to be?" "I don't know. But I have this feeling, that whatever they are, they're going to do great things. They're going to help people, John. They're going to be a real saint. The angels blessed them, I know it." John slumped into the chair that was situated near the window of the motel room they were currently staying in. This was his second hunt after Mary had died and Missouri had shown him the truth about what was out there in the night. It was a violent spirit and John had struggled to get rid of it. He closed his eyes trying to go back to simpler times when Mary was alive. He remembered asking her to marry him in the diner and when she had first told him she was pregnant with Dean. He remembered being in Vietnam and only being able to think about coming home to her. Nothing he had seen in the battlefield overseas could have ever prepared him for what was lurking in his homeland. "Dad," John heard a tiny voice say and he felt a tiny hand rest on his knee. "It's going to be okay." "How do you know?" John asked opening his eyes so he could look down at Dean. "Because the angels are watching over us," Dean said happily. The phrase made John angry. Not at Dean, who was just a kid and trying to help, but at the entire situation. That didn't stop him from lashing out though. "There are no such things as angels!" John yelled at him. "You put that stupid idea out of your head right now. There is no one watching over you, do you hear me, boy? We're alone in this world. We take care of our own kind." "But, Mom said-" "I don't give a damn what your mother said. There's no such thing. There's evil and demons, but no angels. None. And if they were real, do you think they're looking out for us? If they were, do you think your mom would be dead? I don't want to hear another word about angels or what your mother said, do you understand?" "Ye-Yes, sir," Dean stuttered. Instead of going back to bed, Dean threw himself into the bathroom and locked the door behind him. John felt guilty. He knew he had gone too far. He wanted to get up and apologize to Dean about what he had said, but he didn't feel like he was wrong, just sorry that he had raised his voice. But the soldier in him told John that it was time Dean learned how to take responsibility. They were at war and in war there was no childhood, no protected innocence, just the cold hard truth. John needed to keep Sam safe while he was away and Dean was his only option. John decided that tomorrow, he would begin Dean's training so Dean could become a better soldier. There were many words that people used to describe the eldest Winchester boy. "His Father's Son" was popular around hunters. "Jerk" was reserved for Sam's use only. Civilians that he saved would use the words "Stupid" or "Brave", to them they both meant the same thing. The police would always use words like "Suspect" or "Homicidal Maniac" when referring to Dean. No one knew the real words to describe Dean Winchester were "Savior" and "Martyr". All his life, Dean had always sacrificed himself for others. When Sam was hungry and there was only one bowl of cereal left, Dean would starve rather than see Sam go hungry. When John would come home late from a hunt gone wrong, Dean would try to comfort him and when that didn't work, Dean would say something. He'd do something stupid, so John could yell and scream at him. Dean would sit there and take it until John calmed down. It was always worth it for Dean whenever he saw his dad relax, even if it was just the slightest bit. Dean was always putting himself in front of the bullet for everyone. Whether they were family or someone he had just met, he always found himself taking whatever damage he could. Dean knew why he protected Sam so fiercely was because his father had told him it was his duty to protect his brother. But, he could never explain why he saved the strangers. Somewhere along the way the message had embedded itself in his head that it was his job to save people and to kill every evil son of a bitch that dared threaten humanity. Dean could almost call it an instinct. Sometimes, Dean felt that instinct held him back. Despite what he said to anyone who asked, he would have liked to have gone to college and earned a degree in something, instead of feeling obligated to John and the countless strangers they met along the way. He would love to feel a little less guilt when he is unable to save everyone, when there is someone he just couldn't save. Dean would give anything to be like the other hunters and be able to switch off every so often without the constant fear and guilt gnawing at his insides. He would have loved for that instinct to just disappear, but he didn't wish for it. Dean knew that without the guilt and without the pain, he wouldn't be him. He wouldn't be human. Above all else, Dean wanted to be human. The first time Castiel met Dean was in Hell. The demon gnarled and clawed at him as Castiel approached, sensing the holy light in him. Castiel could feel the same holy light pulsing through the demon just underneath the surface of the evil shell Hell had cast for him. He knew that this demon was the damned, righteous man that Castiel had been sent to save. Castiel reached out and touched the demon with his vessel's hand. Castiel had taken the vessel so he would not be damned or his wings burned upon his descent into Hell. There was always a risk of a stray demon pulling off his wings in an attempt to damage him. So deep in Hell, it would have been easy and the vessel protected him. He had spent months preparing the vessel for its trip into Hell, knowing that Dean had very little time and so did Castiel to be prepared. Castiel had his doubts about the plan, not understanding why they could not assist Dean before he was taken by the Hell Hounds. Surely if they had the power to drag him out of Hell, a few Hell Hounds would have been nothing. But it was not Castiel's place to question or have doubts. So, he didn't voice his concerns, he simply prepared for his mission. Now his mission was in front of him. He could have pulled Dean out by laying his hand upon his head and willing him out. But, the demon before him was so cruel and lost, that it almost fascinated Castiel. All he needed to do was put Dean back in his body, no need to heal or revive the lost humanity, but the holy light inside the demon drew Castiel's hand towards him. Castiel laid his hand upon the demon's shoulder and the demon cried out in agony. Dean screamed out as he remembered humanity. He remembered the pain and the suffering; he remembered the guilt which burned harshly into his very soul. Dean remembered why he felt guilt, because these were humans that he had tortured. Before him, they had been human; they had families, lives, people who loved them. It tore into Dean reminding him of everything he had forgotten while he had been on the rack. Soon Dean fainted and fell into Castiel's waiting arms. Castiel held the hunter closely, feeling a small hum inside his chest. He felt a connection with Dean of the likes he could not explain. Many parts of Castiel wanted Dean to have and to own every part of him, but what that meant, the angel did not know. Anything outside taking Dean as his charge would be blasphemy. So Castiel decided that Dean must be his charge then and Castiel was Dean's conduit to Heaven. The angel flew off quickly back to Earth, not even noticing the couple of trees he knocked down in the process. For the first time, Castiel felt as though he had a purpose. It isn't until it's too late do they realize that they picked the wrong angel to rescue Dean. It is first brought to their attention after Samhain was raised and Uriel had reported that Castiel had actually prayed for Dean to save the town. Uriel even confessed to his superiors that he feared Castiel might have even attempted to stop him if Dean did in fact choose to have Uriel demolish the place. So the archangels watch and they are surprised at what they see. They see Castiel missing many opportunities to bring the rouge angel in because he still feels somewhat loyal to her. They see him watching from the distance when Dean takes Anna in the back of Impala. The archangels see the loyalty he has towards Anna slip away and turn into anger and disgust. They see him now having no more problems with killing his former sister, any doubt in his mind fading, ready to meet them next time and not get sent away. They see him lie to Uriel openly and hide behind his orders to keep the Winchesters safe. The archangels see Castiel hovering, silently wanting more than anything to be able to help them out. They see him reach out a hand and then withdraw it as he thinks better of it. Finally, they see what they have been waiting for. Castiel's orders are only to retrieve Alistair, but he can't resist seeing Dean, not when he's so close. They hear the confessions and Dean saying in his roundabout macho way that all Castiel had to do was ask. They hear Dean beg Castiel to revive the townspeople who died and even though Castiel doesn't, they can feel his Grace twitching, ready to serve, ready to revive anyone Dean points at. That is when the archangels decide that Uriel is better suited as Dean's conduit than Castiel is, but Dean won't listen to Uriel. He demands "Cas". Dean needs to speak with "Cas" alone. Dean will do it if "Cas" asks him and if "Cas" is sure that this is the right thing to do. "Cas" convinces Dean to torture Alistair, but when Uriel goes against the plan and sets him free, "Cas" goes in with fists flying even though he was weakened considerably when he was demoted. The archangels are horrified as they see "Cas" begin to disobey orders with the help of Anna and Dean. They are shocked when "Cas" comes to them and begs them to show Dean he was meant for this destiny. And by the time "Cas" helps Dean by informing him of how to use the archangels to Dean's own advantage, they are less than surprised. That is when they decide that "Cas" needs to remember he is actually Castiel. Jimmy Novak had always been a devout man. He went to church every Sunday, prayed every day, and thanked the Lord for all his blessings. Only when Castiel is dragged back to Heaven, does Jimmy realize he has been devout to the wrong cause. As he thought back on his life leading up to this point, Jimmy realized that he had neglected the thing most important to him, his family. It brought pain to his chest as he remembered. He remembered how hard it was for Amelia thinking he was crazy and how he had become more distant from Claire as she failed to understand her father's illness. He remembered not giving a damn and how he had convinced himself they would all see when Castiel showed himself, when he appeared to them like he had done to Jimmy. But Castiel hadn't, instead he had asked if he could use Jimmy's body. After assuring that his family would be okay without him, Jimmy had agreed to let Castiel do as he wished with him. He took the angel at his word and that started the worst year of his and his family's lives. But Castiel was gone now and besides the hopes of Dean Winchester, didn't seem like he would be coming back. Jimmy saw this as his chance to finally make things right and put his family instead of religion first for once. After Castiel returned from Heaven, he expected the situation to be easier. He now remembered his place and his mission. He knew that Heaven meant to have Lucifer rise and meant that the apocalypse would be starting early. Castiel knew that by allowing this to happen, Dean would ultimately have the peace he so rightfully deserved. That didn't stop the feeling inside Castiel though. It was this gnawing pain that consumed him every time he did what he was ordered to do. There was this voice, that sounded remarkably like Dean's, telling him what he was doing was wrong. He tried to ignore the voice, but the more he ignored it, the louder it seemed to get. With every prayer and request Dean sent to him, Castiel found himself weakening. Somehow Dean was breaking down the barriers Castiel had put up after he returned from Heaven. He tried to remind himself that he only served Heaven, but his Father's words kept ringing his mind. He was meant to serve Michael, but Michael had fallen from Grace, unless his Father meant something completely different. After Dean yelled at him about humanity and told him that this cause was worth dying for, Castiel gave more thought to his Father's words. Maybe it was a roundabout sort of phrase. Michael served humanity and removed his Grace to become human. Possibly by serving humanity, he was actually serving Michael, thus fulfilling his Father's wishes. And his Father's wishes were more important than the archangel's. Lucifer looked over the mangled mess that was his brother's body. When he rose, Lucifer expected it to be his glorious revenge against Heaven only he found most of the archangels on his side. He was confused but pleased to be free none the less. He began his conquest, trying to rule Earth only to be opposed by Castiel, a grunt, and two hunters, Sam and Dean Winchester. It had been thousands of years, so of course he didn't recognize or know Michael's fallen body. Lucifer at first had blamed Michael for his banishment into Hell, that Michael had enjoyed sealing him away on the lowest level of that accursed place. But as he thought about it, he realized Michael could have done worse. Michael could have killed, but he didn't. All Lucifer had wanted now was to find Michael so he could convince him to rule Heaven with him. Only, it wasn't until he pierced the heart of Dean Winchester did he feel him. As Dean died slowly, Lucifer felt his brother die as well. Lucifer cried out and begged his creator not to let Michael receive a fate meant for him. He prayed to his Father to let Michael live. Lightening stuck Dean's body and Lucifer watched as his brother rose. Though, instead of rushing to Lucifer who had just begged for Michael's life, Michael rushed into the arms of the grunt, Castiel. Lucifer watched Michael's... Dean's hands roam over Castiel's body, and then as he pulled him into a kiss so Dean could worship Castiel's mouth. Pain struck Lucifer and he realized that Castiel and Michael had something Lucifer could never hope to attain. They had love. That was why they were created and why the humans were created. The angels in their prideful state could never feel loved and Lucifer realized that Castiel had the one Lucifer loved. Castiel had Michael; the one Lucifer had done all this for. The one he had wanted to worship him like he worshiped the humans or their Father. Michael had been Lucifer's one, but now Michael was Dean and Dean was Castiel's. Lucifer looked up to the sky, remembering his Father's words like he had said them to him yesterday. But, Lucifer couldn't repent, he wouldn't. He knew his Father loved him, but Lucifer didn't want to allow himself to be loved by anyone other than Michael. So he turned his attentions back towards Hell where he would rule. "Wait!" Dean called to him. "Lucifer, wait." "What?" Lucifer snapped without turning around. "What could you possibly have to say to me?" "I wanted to... I know in the past we were enemies, but if you can keep your demons under control, maybe we could be brothers, like how we were before." "Brothers," Lucifer said with distain, the word feeling taint as it left his lips. "That time has passed. I will keep my demons under control to my best abilities, but we will never be... brothers again." "Dude," Sam, Dean's blood brother, said. "He's the devil. How can you know he's going to keep his word?" "I don't," Dean replied. "I wish I could trust him, I really do. I'm just going to have to have faith for once. These are the paths we have chosen to follow. We're all saviors in our own right. He saved my life, didn't he?" "I guess..." "You guess," Dean chuckled. "Come on, Sam. I've got angel powers and I've always wanted to check out Japan. I hear they have used panty machines there." "Dean-" Castiel started to object, but his words were cut off. Lucifer turned around to see he was alone. He exited the vessel and began his long trip back to Hell, regretting that he was ever unsealed in the first place.
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