| Home ~ Lost Grace |
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Take My Hand (And Lead Me Through The Fire)
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Rating: PG-13
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Chapter 1The realization came to him at an inconvenient time. They were facing down Lucifer and his army with Dean at the front, flanked on the right by Sam, with Castiel standing to his left. It was almost dawn, but even in the muted light Castiel could see the determined set of Dean's jaw and the righteous anger blazing in his eyes. Every second since Lucifer had risen had been geared towards this moment and the tension in the air was almost suffocating. "Cas? Cas!" He could hear Dean's voice cutting through the haze and knew that he should answer, but he was just so tired and he couldn't even find the strength to open his eyes. If he just rested a little while longer, he would be fine. Dean, apparently, had other ideas. "Cas, I swear if you don't open your eyes right now I am going to kick your ass so hard!" He was a little more alert now, and somewhere in the back of his mind was the instinctive response to obey an order, especially when it came from Dean. He tried, and failed to raise his head and open his eyes. "Dean, are you sure he's alive?" He heard Sam ask gently and he could almost see the younger Winchester laying a comforting hand on his brother's shoulder. "I'm sure," Dean replied in a voice that brokered no arguments. It was enough to make Castiel stir himself and prove Dean right. Dean knelt above him, eyes filled with concern. Castiel blinked and saw Sam hovering behind his brother looking just as worried as he'd sounded. As soon as Dean saw Castiel was awake his entire demeanor changed and he broke into a grin. "See!" He shot over his shoulder to Sam. "I told you! 'You okay, Cas?" Castiel blinked again. The sun was high in the sky now, bathing all of them in its warm light. On the other hand, Dean and Sam's faces were filthy and caked in dried blood and Castiel suspected he didn't look much better himself. He assumed that the majority of the blood covering the Winchesters was not their own because even though they both looked exhausted to the point of collapse their eyes were sparkling and they were both smiling. "Cas?" Dean prompted which reminded him that he'd been asked a question. "I'll be all right once I have rested," he assured and the relieved grin he received in response made him feel a little stronger. "Too bad you missed us sending Lucifer back to Hell," Dean said as he carefully helped Castiel into a seated position. "It was awesome." "I don't doubt it." Castiel could feel his strength returning to him in waves now, and he suspected that at least part of it was down to the way Dean's arm had settled around his back to keep him propped up. "I always said you could do great things." Now that he was upright he could see that they were in the middle of a grassy field. There was no sign that a battle had even taken place. "Your angel buddies cleaned up before heading back to the pearly gates," Dean said when he spotted the look of confusion on Castiel's face. Castiel nodded and attempted to stand, flashing Dean a grateful look when he helped him up. "I should return to my brethren." Dean sighed and nodded. "Right." If Castiel didn't know better he'd have said Dean actually sounded disappointed. He couldn't imagine why that would be so, especially now that the battle was over and the hunter could return to his old life. "I think I'm gonna go and wait in the car," Sam suddenly announced. "You guys can say goodbye or whatever." As he turned to leave, Castiel caught hold of Sam's hand to stop him. "You were not to blame for what happened, Sam. You were being manipulated by forces far beyond your control." "I know," Sam said in a voice that implied he had heard it dozens of times before and was still no closer to believing it. "Heaven has forgiven you," Castiel continued, "You need to forgive yourself now." "I'm trying," Sam replied softly. "You did great things today. You and your brother. People will speak of them in generations to come." A small smile curled at the edge of Sam's lips and he nodded, giving Castiel's hand a grateful squeeze before he let go and walked to the car. "Thanks for that," Dean watched until his brother got into the car before turning his attention to Castiel. "I think you might have actually gotten through to him." "I hope you'll heed my words too, Dean," Castiel said. "You too need to forgive yourself for your part in this. It's over now." "Yeah," Dean replied with downcast eyes. "So I guess this is goodbye." Castiel placed a hand on Dean's shoulder, his fingers instinctively making their way to the brand that had been left when he'd first pulled Dean's soul from Hell. "It's true that my task on Earth is now complete," his voice was hesitant. "But I would not leave you if you desired for me to stay. Dean glanced down at the hand on his arm and then met Castiel's eyes. For a moment they just stood there, eyes locked, until Dean forced a weak grin. "You gonna stick around and stop me from hooking up with scores of hot chicks?" "No," Castiel replied softly. "I would not seek to change who you are. I just desire you to be happy." He raised his eyes to the sky. "I must report to my superiors. If you wish to see me, call my name and I will come if I am able." He took off before Dean could speak another word and while he would never say it aloud, he prayed that this was not the last time he would see the hunter. Heaven, Castiel was ashamed to think, was not as it once was. The division amongst the angels and the absence of God had assured that was no longer a place of joy but a place of uncertainty. As a result, he found himself thinking about Dean more often than was appropriate. So, when Dean called for him, just a few days after the war had ended, Castiel was back on Earth more rapidly than he had ever flown before. "Wow," Dean blinked when Castiel appeared in front of him. "That was fast. I wasn't even sure you were going to show up." "I told you I would come if you called," Castiel replied. Dean looked well. He had obviously rested since they had last seen each other, and Castiel couldn't actually recall the last time he had seen him looking so relaxed and happy. It lightened his grace to see him like this. "Yeah," Dean replied. "I guess you did, but I just figured you'd have more important things to do." "There is little that is more important to me. You are my charge." Castiel glanced over Dean's shoulder to where Sam was sitting at the table, laptop open in front of him. He wasn't looking at the screen though, he was looking at them with a curious frown on his face. "Hello, Sam," he greeted. Sam blinked and the frown melted away. "Castiel," he nodded his head in greeting and focused his attention back on the screen. "So," Dean said, clearing his throat and drawing Castiel's attention back to him. "We were wondering if you could help us with this thing we're up against. It's confusing the Hell out of us, Sam's come up with nothing and Ellen and Bobby are taking a well-earned vacation after the whole fighting off the Apocalypse thing." Castiel nodded. "I'll lend you whatever assistance I can." He didn't care about the reasons behind his summoning. He was just glad to be here with Dean. So, he listened as Dean described the creature they were up against. "It's a Hupia," Castiel finally said. "A nocturnal spirit that feeds from the living much like a vampire does." "Well, that explains why the dead man's blood didn't work," Dean murmured half to himself and half to Sam. "I could destroy it for you if you like," Castiel offered. "It would only take a moment." "Thanks," Dean replied with a grin. "But it kind of takes the fun out of hunting if there's no actual hunting involved." "I understand," Castiel nodded. "Although I'm surprised you've resumed hunting so soon after the final battle." Dean shrugged. "Gotta do something to fill the time. It's not like all the nasties have just disappeared along with Lucifer." It was just further proof of what a remarkable man Dean Winchester was. Most humans, Castiel was sure, would have had enough after everything they'd been through. Not Dean, though. Castiel suspected he would go on fighting until his body was no longer capable of it. "Be careful," Castiel said sincerely. "Always am, Cas," Dean grinned. "But thanks." Castiel glanced at Sam who was watching them again now with that frown back in place. "So. . ." Dean said hesitantly, apparently oblivious to the way his brother was looking at them. "Is it back to Heaven for you now?" "I am not needed there if you wish me to remain." "Whatever, dude," Dean replied with a casual shrug. "If you've got nothing better to do then you're welcome to hang out here. I gotta tell you, though, it's a pretty crappy motel room. The beds don't even have magic fingers." "You're sick, man," Sam muttered from the table with a barely concealed smile. "I've told you. You need help." Castiel took a seat on the edge of the bed that he knew was Dean's just by how messy it was. He watched as Sam and Dean teased each other, both of them smiling and laughing, and wondered what it must be like to have such a relationship. He cared about his brothers and sisters in Heaven, of course, but he knew it would never be anything like this. It wasn't that he felt a sense of loss, it was just one of the many aspects of being human that he would never fully understand. "So, Cas, I'm guessing you don't want a beer or some pizza?" Dean asked after a few minutes of trading insults with his brother. "No, thank you." he replied. "You know I have no requirement for nourishment." "You're missing out," Dean said as he cracked open a bottle of beer and sprawled into a nearby chair. "So how's things up in Heaven anyway? Everything back to normal now?" "We're still recovering from our losses." Castiel was fascinated as Dean managed to stuff almost an entire slice of pizza into his mouth in one go. "It will take time but I'm confident things will go back to the way they were." "Minus the angels who were dicks, of course," Dean grinned. "Hey, if you're going to be hanging around for a while I don't suppose you could use your angel mojo to detail my car?" "Dean," Sam hissed, sounding genuinely horrified at what his brother was suggesting. "What? There's gotta be some perks to leading a holy army, right Cas?" "I'd help if I could," Castiel said, feeling genuinely regretful that he couldn't do this one small thing for Dean, especially when he knew how much Dean's car meant to him. "Unfortunately technology is somewhat of a mystery to me. My dealings are with humans alone." "So you're a PR man?" Dean asked with an amused smile. "No offence, Cas, but you kind of suck at it a lot of the time." "No offence taken," Castiel replied. "I didn't realize how little I knew about humans until I met you." "Well, Dean's not your average person," Sam grinned. "No," Castiel agreed softly. "He isn't." "I hope you both mean because I'm so awesome," Dean interjected as he reached for another beer. "Hey, we're out. Sammy, you want to do the next store run? I need beer." "Dude, the store's just down the block and I'm not your errand boy. Go get your own beer. I'm busy." "Whatever, bitch. Cas, you wanna come with me?" Castiel rose to his feet, happy to go wherever Dean was going even if that meant watching him buy alcohol. "Actually," Sam said uneasily. "I kind of need Cas to help me with some research if you don't mind." Dean frowned. "You need help with research? What, did you forget how to read all of a sudden?" "Something like that. I need some help translating this text. Unless you suddenly speak Sumerian and want to do it for me." Dean grimaced. "Whatever. I'll leave you two book geeks to it." Castiel waited until Dean was out of the door before he turned to Sam, only to find the younger Winchester looking at anything but him. "How can I assist you, Sam?" Finally, Sam met his eyes and he actually looked afraid. "Ok," he said tentatively. "You have to promise not to smite me or whatever if I'm reading this wrong." Castiel frowned. "I don't know what you're talking about but I promise I will do you no harm." Sam sighed and nodded. "Ok. Man, Dean is going to kill me if he finds out I told you this." He watched as Sam got up from his seat and started pacing. It was obvious that he was agitated about something, and Castiel sensed it would be best to wait and let him speak in his own time. If there was one thing he knew, it was patience. "Ok," Sam said for the third time and stopped pacing. "Dean's in love with you." Castiel blinked at him, certain he hadn't heard correctly as Sam's face flushed an alarming shade of red. "He'd never say anything," Sam continued hurriedly when Castiel didn't immediately say anything, "But I've seen the way he looks at you. I've never seen him look at anyone like that before, like you're the only thing in his world." "I've seen him look at you that way," Castiel pointed out. "You know that's different. I'm serious, here. He hasn't even tried to hit on anyone since you left. Yesterday this girl in a bar practically threw herself at him and Dean sent her packing. When I asked him why he said he didn't have time for chick stuff. This is Dean we're talking about here." Castiel considered this for a moment. "And this had led you to believe that he has feelings for me?" "He lasted less than a week before calling you back. Really, we could have found out what this thing was by ourselves with a little work. He just wanted to see you. I wouldn't have said anything myself but I've seen the way you look at him and I think maybe he's not the only one who feels something." As Sam came to the end of his speech, he took a deep breath and watched Castiel waiting for some sort of reaction. The angel had to admit that of all the things he'd expected Sam to say this one wasn't even a consideration. "If Dean hasn't said anything to you about this, how can you be sure?" Castiel finally asked softly. "He's my brother." Sam replied. "I just know. Like he never really talks about you, but he steers the conversation so that your name comes up. Trust me on this, when Dean doesn't talk about something that's when you start paying attention." He considered it again for a minute and then nodded his head. "Thank you for telling me." "I'm not wrong, am I?" Sam asked with hope in his voice. "About what you feel for Dean?." "No, you're not wrong." Sam smiled. "Good." It was good, Castiel thought to himself. Except now, he had a decision to make and it was a decision he never imagined himself ever having to consider before he met Dean Winchester. "I'm not going to tell you what to do," Sam said. "I know this is a pretty huge deal. I just want him to be happy." Dean chose that moment to come barging back into the motel room. "I have beer for me and some low carb, low fat, no sugar crap for you." He paused in the middle of the room and his eyes flitted between Sam and Castiel. "Ok, what did I miss?" "Nothing," Sam and Castiel replied in unison. "Bullshit," Dean dropped his things onto the table. "What's going on? "Nothing, really," Castiel reassured him. "There's just something I must do. I promise it's nothing to be concerned over." Castiel caught Sam's eye and Sam nodded. "You'll see me again soon, Dean, I promise." And with that he removed himself to a quiet place where he could think. He'd been standing on the roof of a building for some time now, watching the miniscule people and cars go past far below him. The wind whipped around him, slapping his coat against his legs but he paid it no attention. His eyes were firmly focused on the ground below. The distance was nothing in the grand scheme of things but right now, it felt as if he was looking from one end of the universe to the other. He had a choice to make. Heaven would never allow one of their host to undertake a relationship with a human, no matter the role they both played in ending the war against Lucifer. It was unheard of. They were different species and most angels regarded humans as inferior. However, they had not spent time with Dean Winchester. "I know how you're feeling." Castiel closed his eyes and sighed. "Hello, Anna." He heard he step closer and when he opened his eyes again, she was standing beside him on the edge of the roof. "How long have you been standing here?" She asked gently. "I don't know." He replied. The smile she flashed him was a kind one, but it did little to soothe the conflict he felt. "Is it Dean?" Anna asked. "Is he why you're here?" "Yes." When she took his hand in hers and squeezed it, he didn't pull away, allowing himself to take some small amount of comfort from the gesture. "I've been where you are, Castiel. I know you're scared and wondering whether this is the right thing to, but you just have to ask yourself one thing: is he worth it?" His head snapped around and he looked at her curiously. "That just proves that you know little of what I am experiencing. I know that Dean is worth falling for, what I question is my own worthiness. Dean Winchester faced down both the armies of Heaven and Hell and lived to tell the tale. People will talk of what he did long after his life is over. My existence is insignificant compared to his." "I don't think he sees it like that," Anna pointed out. "Everyone knows how highly he regards you. You're the one who rallied the angels. You risked yourself help him save his brother. If you trust nothing else then trust his judgment." Castiel considered her words for a moment. He could trust Dean. He did trust him, with his life. He took a step closer to the edge but stopped when Anna caught hold of his arm. "If you do this, it's going to hurt," she told him. "Pain worse than you have ever imagined." "I don't understand," Castiel frowned. "Are you attempting to dissuade me now?" "No," Anna replied. "I'm just trying to prepare you." She pressed a piece of paper and a roll of money into his hand. "When you wake up you're going to be hurt and confused. That's the address of where Dean and Sam are staying and enough money to get you there. Your body will be the same so they will recognize you. I called in another favour." Castiel stared at the bundle in his hand for a moment, unsure how Anna had the money and unwilling to ask. He slipped it into his pocket without a word. "Good luck," Anna said, releasing his arm and stepping back. Castiel took another breath and stepped into the void. "Hey, buddy! You okay?" There wasn't an inch of Castiel's body that didn't ache in some way and the voice that spoke sounded like it was coming from miles away. "Do you want me to call 911?" Cautiously Castiel opened his eyes and hissed as the bright light pierced into his head and made it hurt more than it already did. He quickly closed them again and took a deep breath, wincing when that hurt too. "I should call 911," the voice said, a little more certainly this time. "No," Castiel said, almost startled at how rusty and broken his voice sounded. "I'm all right." He opened his eyes again to prove this and was grateful when it hurt a little less this time. A face hovered above him and it was not one he recognized. The man was young and he was regarding him with a mixture of concern and nervousness. "You don't look ok," he said when he saw that Castiel's eyes were open. "Are you sure you don't want me to call for an ambulance?" Castiel sat up carefully, biting back a cry of pain as more injuries made themselves known to him. "Ok, ok, just take it easy." The man crouched down beside him and held him steady, reminding Castiel of someone else, but he couldn't remember who. In fact, the more that he thought about it the more alarmed he became at the lack of things he could remember. He knew his name was Castiel . . . and that was about it. "What the Hell happened to you?" The man asked. Castiel frowned. "I don't know." "You scared the crap out of me. You just dropped right in front of my car. I thought for sure you were dead." "No," Castiel replied, still deep in thought as he tried to recall something, anything. "I'm very much alive." And why did that feel like such a strange notion? "Were you mugged?" The man pressed. "Did you fall?" Castiel blinked. "I . . . I think I must have. I don't remember." He struggled to stand, gripping onto the man's arm as he helped him up. "Look, I don't think memory loss is a good sign. And you don't seem like you're drunk or high. Maybe I should just take you to the hospital. Oh, unless you don't have insurance. Hey, do you have any ID on you? That might help." He felt around in his pocket and pulled out the slip of paper and roll of notes. "Woah, that is a serious amount of cash! I hope you didn't rob a bank or anything." Castiel hoped so too, but the slip of paper had an address on it and that was what held his attention now. "I think I need to go here," he said, showing the address to his companion. "Can you tell me how I'd get there?" The man glanced at the slip of paper and frowned. "This isn't actually that far." He looked at Castiel for a moment and then nodded his head, as if he was agreeing with himself. "Look, I know you don't know me or anything, and I don't know you but you look like you need some help. Why don't I drive you where you need to go? Just spot me the cash for some gas and buy me a burger or something on the way." Castiel looked at him for a moment, trying to take in the measure of a person he had only just met. He couldn't tell what it was, his eyes maybe, but something told him it was safe to trust this man. "All right. Thank you." "Ok, let's go." Castiel allowed himself to be helped into the car, thankful for the kindness he was being shown while he was feeling vulnerable. "What's your name?" "Edward," the man replied as he slid into the driver's seat. "What's yours? You do know that, right?" "Castiel," he replied. "Huh," Edward said. "Kind of a weird name. Maybe you're foreign." "Maybe." "Well, we've got a while until we get to where you need to be. Maybe something will come back to you." Castiel could only hope. He learned a lot about Edward on their drive, the first thing being that he hated being called Edward and preferred Ed. His girlfriend of ten years worked for the local electricity company as an accountant, his favorite food was chili, his favorite movie was Conan and he was freaking out about turning thirty next month. "It's just so . . . grown up, you know?" He told Castiel over their burgers. "Most of the guys I went to college with are married with kids now and I still feel like a kid myself sometimes. I mean my favorite hobbies are video games and comic books." "I don't think you should worry about what others are doing," Castiel said as he delicately nibbled at his food. The truth was the burger was already making him feel sick "Yeah, so long as I'm happy, right?" Ed snorted. "That's what people keep telling me." Castiel set down his burger, deciding that abandoning the pretence of eating was probably wise considering the way his stomach felt. "And are you happy?" he asked. He didn't know why but it felt important that he was, probably just because of the kindness Ed had showed him when he really didn't have to. "Yeah," Ed said with a small smile. "I've got a wonderful girl, some awesome friends, a roof over my head and a job that I don't hate. Can't ask for more than that, can you?" "No," Castiel agreed softly with a smile of his own. "I don't think you can." Ed grinned and gestured at Castiel's plate. "If you're not gonna eat that do you mind if I take it with us. I'm still hungry." Again, Castiel was reminded of someone as he nodded and headed out of the diner with Ed. He had hoped something would have come back to him by now but so far, there was nothing. He just had to hope that someone at the motel they were heading to would be able to give him answers It hit him the moment they pulled into the parking lot and he saw the black car parked outside one of the rooms. Dean Winchester The name came from nowhere and he had no idea who Dean Winchester was, but he knew that was his car and that he was who Castiel was here to see. "He's here." He was struck with the strange sensation of returning home after a long time away. Of course, it was possible he'd been here before, he didn't know. "Great," Ed said as he pulled the car into an empty space. "You want me to stick around in case he's out or whatever?" "No, thank you." He couldn't explain it, like a lot of things that had happened today, but he knew he would be safe here and that it would be better if he met this Dean Winchester alone. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the rest of his money, pressing it into Ed's hand. "I'm not taking all of this," Ed exclaimed when he saw how much Castiel had given him. "This is everything you have. We've only driven a couple of hundred miles and you've given me enough cash to get me to Canada and back if I wanted." Castiel was already climbing out of the car, carefully to avoid aggravating his wounds. "I consider it a suitable reward for everything you've done for me. Thank you, again." Ed sighed and pulled a scrap of paper out of his pocket, scribbling on it quickly and handing it to Castiel. "Here's my number. If things don't work out here give me a call, ok?" Castiel nodded. "Thank you, again, for your kindness." He got out of the car and walked steadily towards the motel door that he hoped contained the answers he was looking for. He paused outside for a moment and took a steadying breath as he watched Ed drive away. He hoped he wasn't wrong about this as he knocked. When no one answered immediately, his heart sank. Either Dean wasn't home, or he had the wrong room, or he'd been wrong about everything. Then the door opened and Castiel found himself facing a man that was immediately familiar. "Holy shit! What happened to you?" Dean exclaimed. Castiel couldn't answer. It was coming back to him in waves now, overwhelming him and threatening to knock him down with the force of all his memories. He was an angel, or had been. He'd existed for millennia, watching over humans until he'd fallen in love with one, this one. "I . . ." he began, but he didn't even know how to put into words what he was feeling. He was struck with the overwhelming urge to just hold Dean, to feel him with his now human body and that sheer need overrode anything else that his new body was experiencing. "Get inside," Dean said and although his words were sharp, he guided Castiel gently to the end of the bed and started rummaging for the first aid kit. "So, are you going to tell me what happened or do I have to guess?" Even in his hurt and exhausted state Castiel could feel the fear and confusion coming off Dean in waves. "I fell." "You fell?" Dean repeated. "Like fell, fell?" "Yes." His eyes were fixed firmly on the brown and rather stained carpet because he couldn't stand the thought of looking into Dean's eyes and seeing disgust or anger in them. Dean set the first aid kit down, sat on the bed beside him, and cupped Castiel's chin in his hand, tilting his head towards him so that he could examine the cuts on his face. "You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to," Sam said from somewhere behind Dean, and Castiel could see in his eyes the understanding of why he had done this. "Like Hell he doesn't!" Dean snapped. "What, is this a punishment for helping us because I will-" "It wasn't," Castiel quickly interrupted before Dean unleashed his fury on someone who didn't deserve it. "I chose this." "Chose it over what?" Dean asked. "What are they holding over you, Cas?" Castiel sighed, suddenly feeling more tired and drained than he had ever felt before. "Nothing. No one forced me to do this Dean. I made the decision for myself." "But . . ." "We need more supplies," Sam said suddenly, preventing Dean from asking more questions. "I'm gonna go and get stuff."" "Uh . . ." "I'll be back soon." He was on his feet and out of the door before either of them could really process what was happening. Castiel suspected it was simply a ploy to leave him alone with Dean for a little while, and he wasn't sure whether he appreciated it or not. He remained on the bed, idly picking at the end of his coat until Dean spoke. "So, are you going to tell me what made you take a tumble or do I have to guess?" Castiel sighed. "Dean, I'm tired. I think. Do you mind if I take a shower before you start with your interrogation?" For a moment, he thought Dean was going to argue and demand answers, but apparently, he saw just how exhausted Castiel really was because he simply nodded. "Sure, go ahead. I'll dig you out some fresh clothes. You'll have to borrow mine until we can get to a store. Is that ok?" "That's fine. Thank you, Dean." It was strange but he had grown rather attached to his suit and trench coat. He certainly couldn't imagine anything else. It was one of the many things about being human that he was going to have to get used to. He wearily climbed to his feet and trudged into the bathroom, locking the door behind him and letting out a breath he hadn't even been aware he'd been holding. Chapter 2"You ok in there, Cas?" Dean called through the closed door a while later. He must have fallen asleep almost immediately because the next thing he knew there was light filtering through the curtains and Dean's face was a few inches away from his own. Castiel blinked in surprise and then a soft smile curled at his lips. He'd watched Dean sleep before, more times than he cared to admit in fact, but he'd never allowed himself to get this close. He could actually count the individual freckles that spattered across his nose and cheeks. Every time Dean exhaled, Castiel felt a warm puff of air across his face. He could feel his body already reacting to Dean's closeness and it startled him a little. There wasn't much about the human body that he did not know, but experiencing it first hand was an entirely different matter. He felt hot, and tingly and slightly uncomfortable, but not in a bad way. He lay there for a few minutes, just watching Dean and listening to him breathe. If every morning could start like this it was worth the pain of falling, he decided. He was warm, comfortable and felt a sense of peace that he had not experienced in a long time. All of this just from being close to Dean. His stomach rumbled and it occurred to Castiel that he was going to have to eat and drink properly now that he was human, but he had no idea what he actually liked or disliked. The only thing he knew so far was that he didn't like greasy burgers. His whole life was now a blank canvas which he was going to have to color. At least he had Dean here with him. Knowing that he wasn't alone made the task slightly less daunting. He heard Sam get up and stagger into the bathroom and he waited until the door had closed and he heard the shower running before turning his attention back to Dean. His lips were parted slightly as he breathed and Castiel ached to brush his fingertips over them, or stroke his hair. He just wanted to touch Dean, and found that the urge became stronger the closer he was to the hunter . He knew it wasn't appropriate though, not while Dean was sleeping, so instead he started counting Dean's freckles while he waited for Sam to finish. He'd reached one hundred and forty seven freckles when Sam came back into the bedroom. Dean's eyes snapped open at the sound of Sam rummaging through one of the bags and he looked confused for a moment when he saw Castiel before a smile spread over his face. "Well, you don't snore." Castiel couldn't help but smile back. "That's. . . good to know." For a moment they just lay there, facing each other with dumb smiles on their faces until Castiel's stomach rumbled again. "Sounds like someone needs breakfast. What do you want?" "I don't know," Castiel said sheepishly as Dean got out of bed and started pulling some clothes out of his bag. Castiel was already mournfully missing the warmth and comfort of having Dean beside him. "I've never had breakfast before." "Awesome!" Dean beamed as he pulled off his t-shirt and reached for a clean one. Castiel found himself unable to tear his eyes away from Dean's bare torso. "That means you get to try everything and that I get to eat the stuff you don't like. It's win-win." "But what if I don't like the same things you don't like?" Castiel asked doubtfully. Sam chuckled from the other bed and Castiel was ashamed to say he'd actually forgotten the other Winchester brother was there. "You've met Dean, right? There's nothing he won't eat." Dean shrugged. "Some of us just have a healthy appetite, Sammy. Now, since you're already showered and dressed why don't you haul ass and get us some breakfast. Lots of it." "Fine," Sam sighed, catching the car keys as Dean tossed them to him. "I'll be back soon." Castiel eased himself out of bed once Sam was gone, letting out a soft moan as his aching muscles made themselves known. "You ok?" Dean asked. "I mean apart from the whole not being an angel anymore thing. Which we will be talking about by the way." Castiel sighed. "I want to tell you about it, Dean. I do. I just need a little time. This is all new to me. I have all of these . . . feelings . . . and I don't know what they all mean. I don't know if I'm tired or hungry or bored." "Well, talking about feelings is kind of more Sam's area but I can try and help," Dean replied. "Like, tell me how you're feeling right now." Castiel looked at Dean, his eyes focused on the hunter's mussed hair and pillow creases on his cheek. The aching feeling in his chest was back again and he took a step closer to Dean. "I feel. . ." He struggled to find the words. At that point, Dean's phone rang and Castiel sighed as the moment was lost. "What?" Dean snapped when he answered. "Sam, what part of bring a bit of everything did you not understand? That includes coffee, tea and juice. Yeah, ok. Bye." He threw the phone back onto the table with a growl before flashing Castiel an apologetic grin. "Sam says he'll be back in a few minutes." During breakfast Castiel decided that he liked tea, orange juice, pancakes, scrambled eggs and bacon but that he did not like coffee, sausages or hash browns. "Well, that's a good start," Dean said as he plowed into all the food that was left. Castiel watched with a morbid sense of fascination as Dean practically shoveled food into his mouth. "What?" Dean asked around a mouthful of eggs when he caught Castiel watching him. "Don't you make yourself sick eating like that?" Castiel asked in wonder. "Oh, I think Dean's body is pretty much immune to anything he throws at it now," Sam laughed. Dean tossed a plastic fork at Sam's head and carried on eating. "Feel like indulging in a bit of retail therapy after breakfast?" Dean asked. This time he did them courtesy of waiting until his mouth was empty before speaking. "You want to go shopping?" Sam raised an eyebrow. "Really? You?" "What? Cas needs clothes. There's no way in Hell I'm letting you take him and have him come back looking like an Abercrombie and Fitch commercial." Sam flipped him off and addressed Castiel instead. "Just don't let him bully you into buying things you don't like, ok?" "Hey, I'm not some sort of fashion Nazi," Dean huffed. "Cas can buy whatever he wants." Castiel nodded his head in agreement, although he was fairly sure he'd be happy with a duplicate of the clothes he'd ruined when he fell. He was willing to try though. Just as with the food, he needed to find out what he liked. "You ready to go, Cas?" "Yes," he replied. As ready as he would ever be at least. He had never felt more lost in his life, even with Dean Winchester at his side. The rails of clothing seemed to go on for miles and he had no idea where to even begin. "It's not that bad," Dean assured him. "Come on, relax. We already know that band t-shirts and plaid are out. How do you feel about jeans?" Castiel shifted around a little, testing the fabric and trying desperately not to think about the fact that they were Dean's jeans he was wearing. "I find the material a little stiff," he finally admitted. Dean grinned. "Yeah, I guess they would feel that way after you're used to wearing dress pants." After he pulled off a few different kinds of slacks, some made of a tougher khaki fabric for when he needed to hunt, Dean picked out some plain button down shirts and a couple of thin sweaters. "Try these on and see what you think." He took the clothes and ducked into a nearby changing cubicle. It took him a surprisingly short amount of time to decide that he liked the color blue. There was something comforting about it, so he put aside a blue shirt and a blue sweater and tried them on with a pair of black pants. "Do I look acceptable?" He asked Dean who was waiting outside. He felt that strange heat in his face again when Dean simply stared at him for a moment with his mouth slightly open and Castiel had to fight the urge to run back inside and change into something else. "You look good," Dean finally said with a small smile. Castiel smiled in return. "I like them. Do you think it would be all right if I wore them home?" "Desperate to get out of my clothes already?" Dean asked with a smirk. His grin faded as Castiel blushed and he cleared his throat. "Sure, that's not a problem. Just grab the other things you want and I'll go and pay." "Thank you for the clothes," Castiel said as they walked through the dimly lit underground parking lot towards Dean's car. "No problem," Dean replied. "Trust me, you should just be glad it was me who came with you and not Sam." "I am glad it was you," Castiel said earnestly. "I would be lost without you." It was time, he decided, to have another attempt at the conversation they had started in the motel room that morning. "Dean," he said cautiously as they reached the car. "I need to tell you why I chose to fall." Dean fell completely still, his hand froze in his pocket where he had been reaching for his car keys. "It's not a decision I made lightly," Castiel continued when he received no response from Dean. "I've lost almost everything that I have ever known, but it was worth it because-" A strange clicking sound stopped him mid-sentence and his eyes widened when he saw the man standing behind Dean pointing a gun at them both. Even in the dim light, he could see the red-rimmed eyes and trembling hands, having watched humans long enough to recognize the signs of drug abuse. "Gimme your wallets," the man rasped, "and your car keys and nobody needs to get hurt." Castiel watched Dean take a deep, steadying breath before he turned around slowly so that they were both facing the robber. "Take it easy, okay?" Dean said carefully as he raised his hands. Castiel tensed when he saw Dean subtly moving so that he was between him and the gunman. "Dean, I think we should do as he says," Castiel softly. "There is no sense in getting hurt over material things." His voice might have been calm but he could feel his heart pounding rapidly in his chest. He had known fear when he had been an angel, but the fear he felt now was almost crippling. He had seen how men under the influence of drugs acted; they were irrational and could not be reasoned with. There was a distinct possibility that they were going to die, less than twenty-four hours after he'd become human. What was worse was that the fear he felt was less for himself and more for Dean, who was reckless and often acted without thinking. It was up to him to stop that from happening. Unfortunately, the gunman heard his words to Dean and moved his attention to Castiel instead, pointing the gun over Dean's shoulder and at his head. "You first. Gimme your wallet." "I'm sorry," Castiel said with all the regret he was feeling in his heart. "I don't have a wallet." "Don't fuck with me!" There was a definite edge of hysteria to his voice now. "Do you want to die? Do you want your boyfriend here to die? Just give me your fucking wallet!" Castiel felt nauseous now. He had nothing to give this man. No wallet, no keys, no watch. All he had were the clothes on his back. "I'm sorry," he said again. "Here!" Dean interrupted, reaching into his pocket. "Take whatever you want, man." That was when everything seemed to suddenly slow down. Castiel heard the shot before anything else and he toppled backwards as Dean crashed into him. He cracked his head against the car door and for a moment, everything faded away into nothingness. When he came to his senses, he could hear the pounding of feet as the robber ran away. "He's gone," Castiel sighed in relief. "Dean?" That was when he realized that Dean was still slumped on top of him and that he wasn't moving. "Dean?" He winced as pain flared through his head when he moved but he carefully sat up and eased Dean off him. The nauseous fear that he had felt while having a gun pointed at him flared up into a cold terror as he took in Dean's appearance. His eyes were closed, his face was far too pale and there was a red stain blossoming across his chest. For a moment, the fear and shock completely paralyzed him and all that he could do was stare at the blood. "No," he whispered mostly to himself. "No, this can't be happening." He glanced around the parking lot, eyes pleading for someone to come and help them but there was no one. "Please," he called half to Dean and half to the darkness. "Please, help me." There was no reply. "PLEASE!" He called more loudly as his senses slowly returned to him. "Please, someone help me!" He knew he had to stop the bleeding or Dean was going to die right here, cold and without his brother. He grabbed the blue shirt from the fallen shopping bag and bunched it up before pressing it firmly over the wound. Dean let out a small groan but showed no signs of waking. "Please, Dean," Castiel pleaded as he attempted to staunch the bleeding. "You can't leave me. Not like this." "Help is coming, Castiel." He flinched at the presence of the new voice and his head shot up to find Anna crouching down beside him. There was a time when he would have been able to sense her before she arrived but those days were gone. Her eyes were warm with concern as she placed her hands over his and helped him slow the bleeding. "I've told Sam what happened and he's called for an ambulance. It should be here in a few minutes." Castiel glanced down at Dean. His own hands were red with Dean's blood now and Dean's face was getting paler by the moment. "Please," he begged. "Can you do anything for him?" "You know I can't," Anna replied sadly. "His fate is in God's hands now." Dean would hate that, Castiel was sure. He always believed in making his own fate and although he had served God in the Holy War, it was to protect humanity rather than anything divine. "Am I being punished?" He asked softly. "Is Dean being taken as punishment for my decision to fall?" "You know He doesn't work like that," Anna said gently. "I was about to tell him," Castiel said softly. "I was about to tell him everything and if he dies . . ." "So tell him," Anna said rising to her feet. "It's not too late." Castiel blinked and in that moment, Anna was gone. He turned his attention back to Dean and swallowed against the lump that had formed in his throat. "I did this for you," he whispered, ignoring the tears that were now rolling down his cheeks. "I'm only just starting to learn how to live as a human and I already know that a life without you in it is no life at all. So, you can't leave me Dean. You still have so much to teach me and I have so much to learn. I can't imagine doing it without you. I'm here because I wanted to be closer to you, to truly feel, and even if you don't share the feelings I have for you I don't regret my decision. My only regret will be losing you, so, please, you have to live." He could hear the wail of the ambulance sirens now, but Dean remained unresponsive. Castiel did the only thing he could do. He prayed. Everything was moving too fast now. The ambulance arrived and the paramedics quickly took Dean from him and Castiel found himself bundled into the ambulance alongside him. "Is he going to be all right?" Castiel asked weakly as he watched Dean being hooked up to far too many machines. "We're doing our best to help him," one of the paramedics assured him but that was all they were willing to say on the matter. Once Dean was secure and the ambulance was on the move Castiel bowed his head and resumed his prayers. Dean was wheeled away as soon as they arrived at the hospital and Castiel found himself with a young doctor who set about checking his head wound. "Does this hurt?" Castiel could only shake his head. The truth was he felt numb and all that he could think about was Dean. He could barely bring himself to look at Sam when he was shown in by a nurse. "How is he?" Sam's eyes widened when he took in Castiel's appearance. "How bad is it?" "I don't know," Castiel replied weakly. He felt more exhausted than he'd ever felt before, more so even than when he had fallen. Right now he felt as though he could simply collapse right there in the middle of the room and not wake up until he knew Dean was going to be all right. "I'll see if I can find out what's happening." Castiel watched until Sam disappeared from sight, barely hearing the doctor tell him that his own injuries were superficial. He found himself steered out into the waiting area where he stood and waited for Sam to return "He's in surgery," Sam said and Castiel had no idea how much time had actually passed. "Apparently we won't know anything for a few hours at least." He handed Castiel a paper cup and guided him over to one of the plastic chairs as they both sat down. "I brought you some juice. You should drink it. It'll help with the shock." Right now, the idea of eating or drinking anything was so far from Castiel's thoughts it didn't even bear considering. But he appreciated that Sam was trying to help, even when he was worried about his brother, so he sipped the juice delicately and together they waited. "Do you want me to see if I can find you some clean clothes?" Sam asked after a few minutes. He glanced down at himself and noticed for the first time that his shirt was covered with Dean's blood. Dean's life. "Dean liked this shirt," he murmured softly, mostly to himself. Sam said nothing more on the subject. They sat there, side by side, waiting in silence until eventually a doctor came out to them. "Your brother is very lucky," she told Sam, and Castiel barely heard anything beyond that. He caught snippets of "missed his vital organs" and "lost a lot of blood" but the rest was just a rushing noise inside his head. "Can we see him?" Sam asked which snapped Castiel back to attention. He didn't care what the doctor said now, and he suspected Sam didn't either. They needed to see Dean and nothing was going to get in the way of that. "He's still unconscious but he could wake up at any moment. You're welcome to sit with him if you'd like." Sam took the lead with Castiel close behind him; all of the forces of Hell couldn't stop them from getting to that room. He froze when he entered the doorway. Dean lay in bed, face still too pale, hooked up to so many machines that Castiel could barely see where they ended and Dean began. Sam took a seat by his brother's side, his eyes fixed permanently on Dean's face as though he could use sheer force of will to get him to wake up. "I'll have someone find another chair," the doctor said but Castiel barely heard her. "I know it looks scary but it really could have been a lot worse." "Thank you, doctor," Sam said softly and as the doctor left the room the only sound that remained was the steady beat of Dean's heart monitor. It was a comforting sound in that it reassured them that Dean was still alive but at the same time, it was a constant reminder of where they were and why they were there. "I've been here too many times," Sam mused after a few minutes. "I don't understand why these things keep happening to him. He's been in the hospital more times in the past five years than I have in my entire life." Castiel shook his head sadly. "I wish I had answers for you, Sam, but I don't. The truth is that I'm struggling to understand this just as much as you are." He took Dean's limp hand in his, needing to reassure himself of Dean's warmth "Did you tell him?" Sam asked as he watched what Castiel was doing. "No," Castiel replied. "I had just started to when this happened. I told him while we were waiting for the ambulance but he was unconscious." "Well, maybe he heard you," Sam suggested. "They say that when people are in comas they can hear you." "That's not actually true," Castiel said flatly. "It's just something that's said to provide comfort to those who are still awake." "Oh." They sat there in silence for a while, Castiel letting the steady beat of the heart monitor soothe him as he brushed his thumb rhythmically over the back of Dean's hand. "Can I ask you something?" Sam finally asked. "If you wish." "Was it worth it? You've seen for yourself what we're capable of. All that hatred and violence. I don't get why you would want to be a part of that. Dean could have died and you'd have been left here less than a day after falling to be with him." Castiel considered it for a moment, although he had been thinking of little else since he had been left in the hospital waiting room. "Isn't that what being human means though?" He finally asked. "Human life is filled with uncertainty. Yes, we nearly lost Dean today, but we didn't. Yes, there are some people whose lives revolve around violence and hatred but there are also those who radiate love and warmth. You have to understand, Sam, that as an angel I felt very little of anything. There were the occasional moments of doubt and regret but that's all. Then I met Dean and everything changed. I fell in love, or at least as close to love as an angel can feel. It was enough for me to know I wanted to fall and be with him. But what I feel now, the real and human love I feel for your brother, is absolutely worth the risk that uncertainty brings." "Wow," Sam breathed. "You really love him, don't you. I mean I knew but . . . wow." Castiel nodded. "The love I feel for Dean is stronger than any other emotion I have ever felt, even stronger than the fear I have of losing him." At that moment, he felt Dean's hand twitch beneath his own and then Dean let out a soft moan. "Dean?" Sam called hopefully, leaning forward in his seat. "Are you awake? Can you hear me?" "Well, I'm sure as Hell not dead," Dean groaned, his voice dry and raspy. "Dead doesn't feel this bad." Sam sighed in relief as Dean opened his eyes and he quickly fed him a few ice chips to help soothe his throat. "Damn, it's good to hear your voice." Dean raised his head slightly. "Is Cas here? I thought I heard him." "I'm here, Dean," Castiel said, giving Dean's hand a gentle squeeze. "I'm gonna go and find the doctor," Sam quickly hurried out of the room. "You okay?" Dean asked, dropping his head back onto the pillow. "That son of a bitch didn't hurt you did he? You look like crap." "I'm uninjured," Castiel assured him. He certainly wasn't going to tell Dean that he was all right, because that would be a lie. He felt like his soul had been ripped to pieces and then hurriedly stuck back together again. He wanted to sleep for at least a week, but not until Dean was out of the hospital and lying beside him. "Looks like we're going to have to go shopping again when I get out of here," Dean chuckled. "I'm just glad you're all right," Castiel said. "I was so worried that I was going to lose you." "Nah, takes more than one lousy bullet to put me down," Dean assured him and Castiel knew Dean was just trying to make him feel better. He appreciated the attempt even if he didn't believe him. "So . . ." Dean continued after a moment. "I heard what you said to Sam about why you fell and if it was worth it." Castiel's thumb stilled where it has still been stroking Dean's hand. "Oh." He wasn't really sure what he was supposed to say to that. Dean didn't seem disgusted by the notion that Castiel loved him, but it was possible that was only because he was too exhausted to do anything else. "Does that . . . is it a bad thing?" Castiel asked hesitantly, fearing what the answer was going to be. "No," Dean said softly, squeezing his hand around Castiel's fingers. "Pretty damn far from it actually. No one has ever said anything like that about me before." He paused for a moment, apparently considering his words carefully before deciding to continue. "I've never been good at this sort of thing. Well, you've seen me, you know. I'm not a good person, Cas. I lie, cheat, steal, screw anything that looks my way and the things I did when I was in Hell . . ." "I've already told you, those actions have been forgiven." Castiel said gently. "See, that's what I'm talking about," Dean replied. "You act like those things aren't a big deal when I know they are. You don't seem to care about it at all." "I care." Castiel raised Dean's fingers to his lips and kissed them gently. "I care because that is part of who you are, Dean, and I love you because of those things not in spite of them. And the fact that you're worried about this tells me just what sort of man you really are." "You want to know when I first realized that maybe you weren't a total dick?" Dean asked with a small smile. "Halloween, when we were in the park after the whole Samhain thing. I remember I cracked some lame joke and you sort of smiled. That was when I realized you weren't some soulless thing and then the way you looked at me when I kissed Anna." "I was jealous," Castiel confirmed, "That she had been close to you and I knew I never would be." "And look at us now," Dean smiled, glancing down at their clasped hands. "This is what I'm trying to say, Cas. You've never been like the rest of the angels, not even Anna. You always try to do the right thing, and when that meant disobeying everything you'd ever known you did it. You risked everything and that's why I. . . why I want to be with you." The sheer force of emotion that flooded through Castiel was nearly enough to knock him from his chair. He had hoped and prayed that Dean would return his feelings but he'd never really imagined it would be possible. For one brief moment, he wondered whether it was possibly to die of happiness, because he felt as though he was close to that right now. "So . . . would it be all right if I kissed you?" He asked shyly, his voice soft and filled with hope. Dean actually laughed and Castiel felt all the joy he'd been feeling draining away in an instant. "I'm sorry. I thought that's what you wanted." "What?" Dean asked. "Oh, shit, I do! I'm sorry, Cas. It's just if you knew how long I'd been waiting to hear you ask that then you'd know how funny it was. Now get over here." Castiel leant forward and pressed his lips to Dean's. It was a chaste kiss at first until Dean let out a soft moan and deepened it, slipping his tongue into Castiel's mouth and exploring it fully. It was Castiel's first kiss and if he'd been worried about not knowing what to do, those fears quickly melted away as he responded on instinct to Dean. A warmth flooded through him that surpassed the way he'd felt when he'd woken up beside the hunter that morning. He found that he wanted to do so much more than just kiss Dean but unfortunately, those thoughts were interrupted by the arrival of the doctor with Sam not far behind. "Well, you're obviously feeling better," she smiled as she set about examining her patient. Sam simply smirked from the doorway as he watched. Eventually, the doctor said that they would need to keep Dean for a couple of days to monitor him but barring any complications, which looked unlikely, he would be free to go after that so long as he got plenty of rest. "Well," Sam said once the doctor had left them. "I think I'm gonna go and crash at the motel now I know you're ok. Don't ever scare me like that again, dude. At least not for a while." "I'll do my best, bro," Dean promised. "Cas should go with you though. He's going to need his strength for what I have planned when I get out of here." The grin Dean flashed him was positively wicked and Castiel couldn't help but smile in return. Dean Winchester was back. "Dude," Sam groaned, "I am so getting my own room." "Probably for the best, Sammy," Dean said as he winked at Castiel. "Cas and I will be doing it on every available surface in our room, including your bed." "I think I'm gonna throw up." Castiel laughed. His first real laugh since falling. This was what being human meant, and he had never been more glad to be a part of it The End. | |
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